"OK, listen up now. Come on, quiet at the back - Talal - stop head-butting Andy, pick on someone your own size not the midgets."
"Right then, just to remind you, in case you're forgotten, there's only 4 games left before your hols but because of your poor start to the season under Monica we still need at least 2 wins from you, starting on Saturday."
"So, before we take you outside we're first of all gonna show you a video that Phil's put together to get you in the right mood. Its goals galore and all ending up in Warnocks net over their last eight away games. There's 21 of them altogether and because they're so leaky they've lost every game. They did manage to score one goal every game in the first 4 of the sequence but since then they've lost Hulse and they haven't managed a goal in their last 4 away. And they haven't managed more than a single goal in a game away from home all season and have failed to score in 10 of the 17 games. So basically they defend and hope to snatch a single goal to win it."
"After that we're gonna show you a video of the 12 goals we've scored in our last eight home games and a few clips of the dozens of chances that we've created. Of the 8 games, we've won 4, should be 5 with the Fulham game and lost just 2. OK, we've failed to score in two of the games and Reading did us a favour by showing how difficult it can be to score against a well-organised defence. Sheff U will be the same and will come here on Saturday to defend and will try to make it difficult. They'll be looking to keep us behind them in the table and will play it tough and tight for a 0-0 draw or a breakaway goal."
"And thats why our wide men are gonna be important on Saturday. We'll need width and speed to pull them apart. So I have to tell you that we're looking to you Dennis, yes you Rommers, to play a key role. We've managed to get a short clip from Spain of Barca's Leo Messi's brilliant goal last night against Getafe in the Cup Semi's. Gets the ball at the touchline in his own half, beats two markers and then runs at goal. Beats sixteen players, including rounding the keeper before smacking it into the far corner. Its a sign of what we expect from you Rommers. And between you and me this could be your swansong, your very last game for the Addicks, don't imagine that you'll see much action at Blackburn and Liverpool so I expect some results come the weekend. If not a goal, yes goal, then at the very least an assist."
"So Rommers, watch this video carefully. Look at how Messi attacks 'em, scares 'em rigid. So, Alex give him the ball in space and Dennis, no knocking it back to Luke. We want you to run at 'em. I don't care how many times they get lucky with tackles. Run at 'em, push 'em back and get 'em to commit 2 players to you. Pull 'em out of the middle, make 'em panic and make room for ZiZi to get into."
"Same from you Jerry. I know you're not properly fit so it may be just the last half-hour for you and same applies. Go at 'em, I don't want a load of high balls into the box, we'll beat 'em on the deck with knock-ons, conceding fouls, free-kicks. I want pressure from the word go and I don't wanna give 'em any peace. We're gonna go back to the eighties, no easy balls back just to keep possession, I want them to know they're in a game."
"OK Phil, lights out, start them rolling...."