Open Letter to Hayden Mullins

Hi Hayden,
I see you didn't make the team last night at Milton Keynes. And yet another defeat, 2-3 this time, doesn't bode well does it? After defeats against Lazio and the Czechs Sigma Olomouc last week that's three losses in a row and despite you being in the "other" team on Tuesday, the Hammers, in a 1-1 draw, couldn't even beat the Orient. And that nights' midfield of Bowyer, Etherington and you does look a bit like "reserve" written all over it.

And after all that spending, there's obviously a bit of anxiousness in the camp I would guess and all those continuing probs with that Tevez gezzer. And what was that I read a few weeks back, that you're "out of favour". Oh dear.

But never mind, Hayden, there's people over the other side of the water just panting with anticipation at the very thought of you appearing in their shirt. And their manager seems a real fan of yours, even got all the videos of your goals.

So what's the problem? Is it the money? Don't fancy a red shirt? Still think that Curbs will maybe use you a couple of games this season? But being realistic most times I guess you'll be up there in the stand reading the programme, watching little Scottie Parker doing your old job and looking forward to......well, not much actually. More of the same, really.

Watching Premiership football is alright I suppose, especially when you're getting pay just to sit down at weekends but if I was a footballer, you know what? I'd really like to play football, you know pull a shirt on, enjoy the banter in the dressing-room and get a regular game of footie and kick that ball around 'cause sitting there reading that programme and trying desperately to look interested in what's going on on the pitch can be really tiresome and, let me say, boring.

So Hayden, think straight, get on that blower right away before we change our mind and get someone else to do the job. The numbers 020.8333.4000. Just ask for the boss, they'll know who you mean.