OK, I'm gonna try. Don't know about you, well I do actually, we're all pretty p***ed off with this Premiership Table thing. Of course its full of lies. How can a crap team like Middlesbrough be up there in 14th. And look at Portsmouth in 3rd place! You're seen them, how good were they?
So I've been searching for alternate tables. Some that make better reading and are easier on the old focals.
One Table that is more true is the Last-Six-Games Table, otherwise known as the Form Guide. And there we are in 15th place with 6 points from the last 18 and there's 5 teams worse than us - The Arse 5 points, Watford 5, Everton 5, Bolton 4 and next weeks apponents Blackburn with only 2 points from their last 6 games. Bring on Tuesday!
There's a Table in Sporting Life that shows how teams had done in the first 45 minutes of all the games. And here again we've in 15th spot. Can't be bad. The same 2 - The Arse and Watford - are below us as are Middlesbro, West Ham and Saturdays opponents Sheffield United down at rock bottom. It shows that if games finished at half-time we're have 15 points and that Sheffield bunch only 10. They could only score twice in the first half but there again we've next worse with only 3 goals. The Stats show that we've only been losing at half-time 4 times out of the 14 games but we've only been in front twice ( lots of 0-0's)!
So, of course, the Table showing Second Half performances has to be bad and there we are in 19th place with only Blackburn below us. So turns out that on Saturday we face the team thats the worse during the First Half followed on Tuesday by the team thats worse during the Second Half. Sort it out, Les, we want those 6 points!
In the Disciplinary Table we've safe enough in 11th position with only 22 Yellow Cards but with 2 reds. Whose got the most yellows? West Ham with 32 followed by them again Blackburn with 31, must be that Savage geezer. And Blackburn have the most reds too with 3 along with Chelski. Looks like Tuesdays' going to be rough.
As for the FA Premier "Actim Index" we only have 2 players - Darren Bent and Scotty Carson - in their Top 100 players in their performances over the season so far, although our very own version of the Hungarian ace Puskas, Andy Reid makes it into their Team of The Week because of his inspired game against Everton.
And if you need further cheering up, the Board have started the work of reducing the wage bill so that other additions can be made in January, with the news that 25 year-old Stephan Andersen is getting too old to hang around doing nothing so he's upping sticks and joining Danish side Brondby in January.