Perdoname, Juande, Have you Got a Second?

Buenas Dias, Juande,

Sorry to bother you on your first day in charge but I'd just like to welcome you to the UK and give you a little bit of helpful advice to help smooth the way for you.

These double sessions for the squad that you've started are a great idea to get them useless, underachieving buggers back into shape but you know as well as I do that with only one win in 11 games these players that you're now stuck with are really not up to scratch. And like every new coach, you'll want your own players not somebody else's.

Now we all know that the secret of your success, apart from that Poulsen character, is a player called Freddie Kanouté, which is all rather ironic as he'd still be at Spurs if they hadn't already sold him to you at Seville two years ago. You'd love to take him back to the Lane and continue where you left off.

The thing is you've already got loads of strikers at Spurs, four in fact, with Robbie Keane, Dimi Berbatov, Jermaine Defoe, and not forgetting that young Darren Bent who's just arrived but has got just 1 goal this season.

So I was thinking, Juande, old mate, don't you think it would be a good idea to let the players know what's what and prepare them for the inevitable by pushing one or two of those extra bodies out on a bit of a loan deal. It'll help to focus the minds of the players left and it'll sure help with the cash flow which you'll need to raise if you want to get Freddie over. And Freddie's not going to be too keen on coming if he sees so many other strikers at the club. So it's a bit of a clear-out that you need, not a sale as such, just a nudge in the right direction.

So what about that youngster Darren Bent. He's only getting rusty sat down all day and more to the point his mum's getting real upset that she's forked out for a box and still doesn't see her little boy playing. She'll soon be knocking on your door trying to force your hand and demanding in no uncertain tones that Darren plays. You don't want that pressure, do you? You may not have meet Darren yet, he's the one thats always laughing, he was sat on the bench for the whole game against Getafe and even Jol didn't see any point in bringing him on. You do get the gist of you I'm saying, Juande?

So there is an easy answer to your dilemma, Juande. What's the point of holding on to players and keeping them on the bench when you can do a quick loan deal, give 'em a game or two and if they do well you can always get 'em back. Can't lose can you.

So here's the number you want, 020. 8333. 4000 and ask for the nice Mr Varney, that's Peter to mates like you. Mention Darren and I'm sure you can come to some simple arrangement that'll suit everyone. And if you could hurry it on a bit, 'cause we've got a game on Saturday.